Sunday, September 15, 2013

** UPDATE** Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now...........Just Like The Rocking Song From the 80's!


As I sit here I am not sure where to begin......first and foremost I want to thank each and everyone of you all for all your prayers for the boys and our family.  Since we have been home this has been a time of healing and finding normal again.  Once I hit the door Satan seemed to be waiting for me here as everything started breaking on our home.  Lost our 8 year old AC unit had to be replaced and our 8 year old roof is going on 35 years and falling apart literally and needs to be replaced asap.  We thought we were smart in buying a new home once we moved here 8 years ago......maybe not.  LOL!  But needless to say with all the walls crashing down in Ukraine then at home I am still alive and kicking.  Kolya is holding up well and him and I needed some much needed mom and son time so we hit up the NC coast and took on some paddle boarding and had a blast hitting the coast for the day just relaxing and paddling.  I am so proud of him with all the losses we have had how he dusts off and gets back up again with me.  Losing the boys especially Sash has not been easy for him a very emotional roller-coster for us all. 

Where are we at now besides trying to find normal, whatever that is.  LOL!  Not sure that exists in our household.   Daily I read my Jesus Calling book and when I got home this is what I read......"Entrust your loved ones to me; release them to my protective care as they are safer with me then clutching in your hands.  Watch and see what I will do".  There was a lot more in between these words but they stuck with me.  At that point I let the boys go and laid them at Gods feet and started the healing from this loss of them.  Then each day there were significant messages that reached to the core of what was happening and as if God was guiding me with these words in this book such as.....

bring your thoughts back to me and redirect your mind to me and whisper My name.

Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid.  The peace I give you is sufficient.

Even the most confusing day opens up before you go step by step with me. My presence goes with you providing you light. 

When you spend time with me, I restore your sense of direction.  As you look to me for Guidance, I enable you to do less and accomplish more.

Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed.  This is how you grow strong in your weakness.

Seek me in good times, seek me in hard times.  You will find me watching over you all the time.

Together we will push back darkness, for I am the Light of the world.

I have eqipped you to stay conscious of Me while walking along dusty, earthbound paths.

I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for the day.  Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.

Trust in Me with all your heart, and I will make your paths straight.

No matter what you loose in your life, you can never loose your relationship with me.

The messages in my book were long in wide in hitting key notes with me.  I sit here typing this greatly humbled and at peace in Gods presence despite the hardship I am feeling.  I have no idea what will unfold in the next couple days, weeks or months but I know every bit of this loss of the boys God has orchestrated himself.

How are the boys and what is happening with them.  I was talking to another young man with Kolya via phone in Ukraine to find out Tall Sasha says he is sorry for what he did to Kolya and asks I return for him.  With everything that occurred with Tall Sasha there is no question it would not be wise to bring him into our home in the fear of him hurting one of our little ones. The good news is he is in trade school and is doing Ok. 

Sash as badly as it ended I know Gods word does not go void.  All the letters folks reached out and wrote to him I had them printed out along with a letter from me explaining my love for him no matter his faults, no matter how mad he is at me, basically making it clear nothing would change my love for him and he would always be my son in my heart not expecting anything in return and my friend delivered them to him in person.  Last week he started talking to me on the Russian FB asking how I was doing.  Today I had a very difficult time holding back tears as he posted a photo of him and I together on his page.  Seeing that told me Gods word stands firm against anything Satan attempted and may have accomplished.....but it is temporary as God says the greatest of all things is "Love".  I will take any communication with him as a blessing that he allowed that door to be open after the anger he had before I left. 
Slavic......when Slavic said yes to adoption as I wrote when I first saw him with his Aunt whom is a wonderful woman that loves him dearly, he was white as a ghost and scared as hell.  It was clearer then clear.  He didnt need to say a word his body language said it all.  He was not the same young man that I served with a couple months prior to.  He could not look me in the eyes.  He could not give a definant answer that he wanted to be adopted...and was unsure....his grandmother was against it but his aunt was suportive and scared for his future if he stayed in Ukraine.  As she looked through our family photos she cried along with him.  She knew we would love him.  But seeing Slavic so torn with not having all his families support and all the lies fed to him before we arrived like us Americans cut them open and sell off their organs and such he was scared S*&^$@@.  Sorry to be frank but he was.  I held his hand and said "Son if you could have anything what would it be".  He said to stay in Ukraine with my friends and family.  The staff and folks in the room talked to him more and he signed the letter for us to adopt him but he was not signing the letter because his heart wanted it he signed it because of the pressure.  I could not bare to bring him home if his heart was not on board.  Don't want any of my children to live a life of "What if".  As you all know with everything that crumbled we headed home after Sash said no, he was our final referral at that point. 

Last week as my heart finally settled...really settled with letting go and letting God and the groove of normal was setting in so far to the extent that the minivan I bought and traded in my baby (truck) to move the boys from one place to another I sold and bought a truck again.  I had a car payment either way so it made sense to get back in what fitted our family best with having property and hauling stuff all the time.  I shut the door on the possibility of anything with the boys in the future. Shut and locked that door.  I came home and stared at that minivan I dreaded buying before leaving to Ukraine to haul all the kiddos and I finally did not dread it although the boys did not come home.  I could drive it and not wonder why in the world am I driving the minivan the one car I said I would never buy.  Sure I had a car payment again after not having one for years but it was not a soar in my side as I felt it was prior to leaving.  I have many minivan stories to show I am just not cut out for the minivan being I have been driving a truck/suv pretty much my entire time since I got my license.  But that is a whole nother blog post but to give you an idea...I would open the back trunk door and drive off leaving it alarm to warn me and well I just plain darn forgot.  Trucks have tailgates you have to open and shut no buttons???  :)  I would rock jeep style and load the kids up and then forget to shut the side doors were open and pull away and take off.  Stopha loved it. OOPS!  We all got locked in the darn van for 15 minutes and I called Toyota and they thought it was operator error.  NOT....we got locked in the darn thing and they did not know what to do to help me so I drove around the parking lot like a hamster in a wheel until I could get the van to let us out.  It was bad....the cock-pit of the van was like an airplane and I would be pushing all the wrong buttons and freak out...over stimulation and way too many buttons for me.  I was freaking out man!  LOL! My truck was simple and easy.....few buttons....I miss the good ole days of roll up windows and manual seats.  The good ol'e days no computer components you pop the hood open and do all the repairs yourself not try to locate the computer that killed part of your car and of course it is in the center of your car engine half way down and your have to take apart the engine to repair or replace the one chip.  YIKES!   But Joe and I talked and I got what I paid for the van and got back into a truck again.  Stuck with a payment either way.  Joe was dreading moving trash in the back of his ol'e Honda Element and would have to hold his breath as he would back into the dump and the air would move the trash smell forward and he would almost loose his breakfast.  So he said babe get the truck.....I am tired of moving stinky trash.  LOL!  Gotta love him. 
My baby I had for 7 years cried seeing her go....I tried to by her back but they moved her to Montana and she sold right when I found her.  :(
 The infamous minivan, I had "Issues" with..... :)
 Back to a good ol'e truck again, not the same as my baby but "it'll do".....
Soon as I traded the minivan in then the email came in....Slavic says he misses you, wants you to come back for him.  He wants only you to adopt him no other and he is waiting for you.  His grandmother made a mistake and wants you to return for him.  Then two other messages came in from another friend and a call from James whom was on the mission team trip and interviewed Slavic with me and said Nicole I am not sure where you are at but Slavic is serious...he wants you to come back for him.  He misses you and waiting for you to come back.  James said he told him he would advocate for him to find him another family and he said he would not go with any other family only me or he would stay in Ukraine.  Joe and I just sat in bed quiet and thinking how can we and are we suppose to go back.  We would have to find care for our little ones after school until Joe gets home,  Kolya would have to go back with me because I homeschool him and he has no one to watch and teach him during the day, and we would need to raise the remaining funds needed to adopt Slavic, we have what is left from the boys adoption but still coming in short to go back for a return whole nother adoption.  Joe said email the RR team and see what is needed if we went back for Slavic with our dossier.  We have one referral left we used the other two on Tall Sash and Slavic.  We would have to use the last referral we have for him again.   I only have to sign one document and get it to Ukraine and we can be in the air in 1-2 weeks.  Oh goodness this can go fast.  Slavic asked me to write him.  So I wrote him a letter that will be given to him tomorrow, Monday.  James or my friend Natalya will be talking with him and try to make a call with me so I can talk to him on the phone and hear his voice.  At this point I am in shock, humbled and wasn't sure how to write this all but there is no question the boys need continued prayer and our family as we are now faced with a decision of is God calling us to make a move and once again trust he will meet every need or to love him from afar.  I sit here thinking as I told my mom would be so incredible if God could just plant a money tree in the backyard and ya know I would keep running back to these kids as God keeps running back to us when we fail or make a mistake....... then it would and could be different in that I could just hustle back there.  But this is part of the trust, obey and journey God brings us on.  We lost a foster son here in the US do to circumstances beyond our control, We lost Sergiy, returned for him to have him say no again, we lost the three boys and were back in the same boat of being asked to return for some of them.  I hate these children are even in a position to have to deal or think about ever having to make a decision such as this.  The pressure is far too great for many of these children but oh how they are worth the fight and gamble.  I would do it again and again. There's always the ones that make it home like my Kolya. 
Right now I am humbled at the feet of Christ asking for only his guidance as I do not want to go and do my own ways as I know I will fail.  Joe and I are together in that we go if God leads and so we wait on the Lord to make a clear open path if we are once again called to return for Slavic. He is one special young man and worth every bit of the gamble.  
P.S. The truck I bought has 6 seats!  Hmmm..
Joe questioned me when I got home from Ukraine and said I don't understand Nicole you said when you met tall Sasha you said you clearly heard Gods voice say "This is your son".  I told Joe I did hear him say that.  He said but you have not come home with any let alone Tall Sasha you heard God speak to you.  I said I know He did speak to me....I heard it loud and clear...I don't question it and I don't know why He said it but he did and I am ok with it.  I said maybe because the other family that wanted to adopt Tall Sasha had children and many more they were going to adopt with significant special needs and several were younger and there could possibly be a danger for them.  I dunno but I know what I heard. Then after the email from my friends in Ukraine about Slavic that  came in on Friday.....I was putting away some food after making kids breakfast and it hit me........
 When I snapped this photo is right when I heard Him say "This is your son" and Slavic popped out from behind tall Sasha.  I thought God was referring to Sasha....but did I have it all wrong?  Time will tell as we wait on the Lord........oh how I am clinging to Him and His every word for His direction and guidance.   I feel like singing that song....."Should I stay or should I go now" from the 80's by the Clash.  LOL! 

Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.- James 5:7-8
**UPDATE**  God is faithful in answering our prayers and fast.  I received a message from our friends in Ukraine today that Slavic has been asked by a local Ukrainian family in his region if he and a couple of the other children want to be adopted.  He said he loved me and missed me and hoped I would call him (OF COURSE I WILL) and hoped I would understand him staying in Ukraine.  TOTALLY!  He gets to be adopted, see his family and friends and say in the region he grew up and in Ukraine.  He's a homeboy and their ain't nothing wrong with that. Thankful for God to settle his heart and answer our prayers.  Thank you to everyone that has been praying along side us and for him.  Our last referral will sit in Ukraine for the next 8 months should God call us to jump once again. 



  1. Well, my dear--another turn in the road, maybe? ...I love those words about entrusting our loved ones to Him. He is there with them so much more than we know. But I will be eager to know what else you hear Him say!

  2. And remember what else the song says--

    "If you say that you'll be mine
    I'll be here till the end of time."

    Right, yes?


  3. You have been faithful to God's calling and while you may not have brought any of your "sons" home, you surely have impacted their life in a positive, Godly manner. Praying for you and your family