Today just before leaving to the school to see the boys I felt I would be going right into the Lions Den with Sash and all matters that have been twisted in this young mans head to have him on the road to rebellion right after telling me mom I made mistake please come back for me. I had been praying all morning and just staying in Gods word. Did God leave me....not a chance but the time I had with Sasha was good and we covered many topics one of which was huge for me to express to him again and that he was worthy of love and to be loved. What it means for me as a mom and my job as a mom and what that means for him. He rubbed my arm kissed me cheek and told me several times I love you mum. For that brief moment I had my son again. As fast as he came back he left. The gentleman that has been hiring him for work showed up then the crap hit the fan and all went down hill from there. Everything we talked about including the choices he is making and leaving them behind when we left which he said he was happy to do....went of deaf's door. Not only did what this gentleman that hired Sash and a couple other boys effect them but generations beyond. I am not in my own turf but I will say I wanted to put out a can of whoop a$%. I am sorry this is were the mother in me comes out like a bat out of hell to protect these children and my son. At one point I am chasing my son down a dirt road to have a dude on a moped trying to hit me. To cutting my toe open and having a boy named Andrei I will be writing about below bandaging me up saying Nicole I would not do all this to you. Will you take me home instead. Love this kid! Today was like a bad soap opera with no freaking director. I sit back and I feel like I am watching the movie Lord of the Flies. Oh how I love each and every one of these kids personally but oh how I see Satan taking them down one by one little by little with his deception. Their are fights amongst the ranks of these kids, division amongst their relationships. We would see this at home but there is no mother or father to guide or direct them no supervision to direct them. When there is a quarrel the supervision that is there, is for the little kids so heads are turned at the older kids they handle things on their own. SO you can see why there is an independency. They the older girls are like little Mama's, So the older kids are supervising and managing the older kids. My only defense with these kids is love of God and loving on them even when they have faulted, even badly. We all have and we are all sinner and fall greatly short of the glory of God or Christ would have not died for our sins. But even times like these I feel so defeated and the fight power I had gets exhausted by days end. All I can and will do is love them all. God in the midst of this mass chaos he still has my heart calm and I know it only can be Him as I watch Sash go backwards once again landsliding into the pressure of his freedom he will be leaving behind in which he is fighting against and back into the pressure of his girlfriend and their independancy and their adult lifestyle to what they know it to be. Then of course the biggee him preparing for rejection that he will let me down and I will let go. I have fought all the ways I know how for him.......I still here the words cross my mind...Love him home Nicole. Sash knows I love him and I say it daily even in the midst of when he is upset or confused. I even send messages to him on his cell phone telling him I love him. It is clearly Satans work as I am watching kids fighting each other and kids not getting adopted fighting other kids getting adopted. Drinking, smoking, lies, sneaking out........separation of friendships......running away. Divide, divide, divide is all that Satan wants in this. This is the thing this is the first school that most of the children are all Christians, they know Jesus because of two of my friends ministering into their lives on a regular basis. So you can only imagine why Satan is not slumbering....an orphan and a Christian very few can saw that!
I ask for your prayer as I prepare to battle today ahead of me. I know I am not alone. I know Christ is with me and within me and He can handle this. I pray for his wisdom and strength in this battle because now it is more then my Sash it is other children that are near and dear to my heart that I will fight for and love on as long as I got them in my presence. As my friend wrote me last week she almost can feel the clashing of swords of the enemy's demons fighting at the gates of the school against the Angels of Christ for Sasha. I agree but instead of feeling it and I also seeing it and it is more then Sasha. I am powerless as one but God hears the prayers of the righteous and if it is in favor of him and His kingdom and His children He will answer the call. Folks I am asking for prayer as I so need it as I sit here breaking out in tears because these children I love and adore them so much and it literally kills me to see all this mass destruction of their lives going on around me and the damage Satan is infusing into their lives and minds and corrupting them. These kids no no better and they need to know they have us on their side the believers of Christ, ones that will love and step up for them.
Thank you each and everyone of you praying for our Sash and these children. Today is my last day with him before (I may or may not see him, he is doing a lot of work and running with me chasing LOL) I am to go get his referral and I am praying for wisdom in what God is asking and calling me to do, to continue to battle or to lay down my sword and just love him from afar because he may not be able to handle family life and want to give up what freedom and life he has here (girlfriend). God knows the answer to this, His is Sash's divine creator. Praying for only Gods wisdom and strength alone.
And again if any of you should feel called to leave a negative comment please remember Christ died for your sins as well. If you would like please send me your address and I would be happy to meet you in person and give you a hug and tell you that God loves you and so do I. You are worth the battle too!