Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Me Vs. The Squatty Potty Adventures

This Ukraine trip I actually almost got all the way through this trip without using the “Squatty Potty”.  Me and the squatty potties never work out our differences.  One of our favorite things to do in the Zap region was go ice skating. At an older age I managed to get off the side walls and make use of my feet, ankles and legs muscles with cycling and running to actually do something other then hang onto the wall, fall or take a poor innocent person down with me.  So now I actually have my own hockey skates and can have some fun.  So the other night when we had Sergiy and Sasha we took them to the ice skating rink.  It was late at night and I had planned to bring the boys back the next day so I gathered I would save my energy for the next day to skate with them knowing my chances of not falling were slim to none.  So Oksana and I chilled out in the little cafeteria room and drank some coffee.  Well what comes in must come out.  So I go to use the room and I walk into this single stall and all I can think is “Oh no….the squatty potty”.  I just stood there staring at it for a good solid minute then looked down at my layers of clothes and jackets and made a plan of attack how to juggle the jacket, the sweatshirt, the 2 thermal shirts, the jeans, the running thermal pants, the belt, the purse, the hat on my head when everytime I look down it covers my eyes and I cannot see.  Holy crapola.  So I attempted this maneover with success at least so I thought.  I did my business and now I tried to get up.  My legs were pretty much stuck in the squatty position from my pants being tight around my calves with all the layers and as I prepared to lift myself for take off position the floor was so wet from all the ice skaters using the bathroom my boots could not grip.  Both feet went out from underneath me and both me feet hit the sidewalls.  Thank heavens for small stalls.  I braced and prepared mentally for my butt to be in the squatty potty!  Again thank heavens for sidewalls.  Once my boots hit the sidewalls I just stayed squatting and again the thought process went through my mind “how do I not fall in the potty”.  I look down and my belt it literally an inch from being in the bowl where everyones business goes.  Oh my……….so I said a little prayer and tucked my belt into my pants branced my hands on the wall and prayed I could stand.  LOL!  Oh how I love walls!  Mission complete. 

So the following day skating with the kids once again me verse the squatty potty.  This time mentally I was prepared I knew what I had to do and could at least have a better shot of success.  This time I had hockey skates on so I had to have a plan to slide more or hope for the best I would slide less.  The hockey skates were my advantage this time.  By golly I had grip.  It was the most successful squatty potty adventure I have had yet! 

Then the grand final’e.  Ya know I cannot leave Ukraine without a funny sense of humor from my Lord and Savior.  I gather ok heading back to America no more squatty potties…..WRONG!  We get to the Donesk airport hauling all our suitcases and it was a 3 hour drive and I had been holding it since about 30 minutes after we left.  With the idea of having to go so bad any sign at that point looked like a women to me on the door.  Didn’t think twice and yes you guessed I went into the mens bathroom.  I walk in pass the sinks…..pass urenals……straight to the stalls.  Yes it registered those were urenals.  But then again I was think ok in parts of Franch maybe Europe folks have those Bidet thingies so  ya know ladies could want to freshen up.  So I get into my tight little clean stall and look down….”Oh know, not again”.  I have not choice it is me and the squatty potty and I got 2.5 hours of holding it.  So as I am doing my business I hear a cough….that was a deep cough.  Oh know…..then I listen and I hear yes someone doing a number two.  Ok that could be a guy or girl.  Can’t gauge off of a person pooping.  Then I here footsteps and a luggage going by….I don’t hear heels.  Every women in Ukraine wears heels whether it be boots or just plain heels.  Then I hear footsetps coming back in…no freaking heels.  Then I hear another clearing of the throat.  Crap I am in the MEN’S bathroom.  OK Nicole do what you do and don’t look back, pray no one sees you.  What until it sounds empty in the bathroom, pass the now what you know is urenals and don’t look anyone in the eye like you normally do.  For goodness sakes you have handiwipes and have used them your hole trip so don’t even wash your hands just exit calm and smoothly like you intentionally went in there.  Goodness this is the 3rd time I have done this in my life by accident.  I got it under control.  So I wait to hear for a clearing.  I can hear what sounded like a man exiting and what sounded like a man finishing.  I waited for the hand dryer to stop drying the dudes hands and bolted out of the stall.  Of course as I was walking out here comes a staff worker at the airport in his fluorescent vest walking in.  I just smiled, held the door open for him and did not look back and kept on walking and then reached for my handiwipes!  I love handiwipes!  So at this point we are waiting for our flight and I know I am nearing the squatty potty time frame once again this time I will give myself enough time to make sure I enter the womens bathroom.  Oh boy! 

Note:  Went into correct bathroom and I will say this.  This bathroom although had proper toilets and seats the BOYS bathroom is MUCH cleaner!  Ladies we need to kick it up a couple knotches!

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